


Can you hear my Heartbeat?

by directlove



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: AU, Cancer, Famous, Hospital, Leukemia, M/M, Sad, Sick!Louis, famous!harry, ill, larry stylinson - Freeform, one direction - Freeform, sick
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-06
Updated: 2018-10-27
Packaged: 2019-07-26 00:31:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16208924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/directlove/pseuds/directlove
Summary: Louis Tomlinson is 19 years old and from Doncaster.He got diagnosed with Leukaemia four months ago and therefore lives at the Royal London Hospital to get Chemotherapy which sadly has not struck yet.Harry Styles is 20 years old and a famous singer who lives in London and surprises fans at hospitals through the Make A Wish foundation whenever he is off tour.One day which was supposed to be a normal day at the hospital for Louis turns out to change his life due to Harry Styles deciding to surprise someone who isn't necessarily a fan of his.A sick!Louis & famous!Harry AU :)Not finished but updates every week!





	1. Chapter 1

Louis Tomlinson wakes up from the sharp throbbing sensation in his head. His skin feels cold and sticky but his tongue is stuck to the dry top of his mouth as he tries to swallow. Looking over to his alarm on the hospital nightstand he notices it's only 4 am. "Go back to sleep, Louis." he hushes to himself. The throbbing increases as he slowly rests his head on the white, familiar pillow, closing his eyes trying to escape the sharp pain at his temples. Only Louis' slow breathing and the quiet bleeping of various machines can be heard as he slowly drifts away and back into his uneasy sleep.

Louis is awoken by the door to his room being opened roughly. He turns his aching body to face the door. The first thing his eyes perceive is a familiar blonde shock of hair. Louis tries to make his sleepy eyes focus and as they do he recognises Niall Horan the nurse who has been with him since his first day at the Royal London Hospital. "Good morning mate, sorry to wake you up but it's almost 8 o'clock. If I was you I'd open the window for a bit before the doctor's visit. It smells in here."  
"Thanks Nialler, appreciate it." and an eye roll was all Louis' grating morning voice allowed him to say.  
A slight frown of concern forms between Nialls eyebrows which causes Louis to try to pull a smile at the experienced nurse so he doesn't worry about him. Louis tries not to wince at Niall giving him a slight pat on his left shoulder.

As the door closes quietly behind the nurse Louis turns over in his bed so he is on his back, looking at the ceiling. Every agitation hurts. Every single muscle in his body feels sore but he needs to stay strong. He cannot show weakness to anybody. Not even Niall or the doctors. He has to get through this day somehow.  
He slowly tries to prop himself up on his elbows to eventually sit up at the side of his bed with his feet dangling a few inches above the green PVC flooring. Outside his window, rain is pouring onto the busy streets of London.  
Louis feels a sudden sadness creep in. He hasn't seen his family in approximately a month since they still live at home in Doncaster and don't have enough time and money to visit him at the hospital in London often. He mostly gets to see his younger sister Lottie who is 18 years old and thus only a year and a bit younger than him. She is a makeup artist and therefore often works in London.  
Louis could use some company. He feels especially sore and weak today. His eyes wander off the window and to the calendar on his wall across the bed. October 3rd. He still doesn't know whether he will be able to spend Christmas at home in Doncaster since the Chemotherapy for his Leukaemia has not struck yet.  
Louis takes a look at his alarm. He mumbles "7:57" and slowly stands up on his wobbly legs to go use the bathroom before the doctor's visit.

As the door opens and the Doctor and two nurses enter the room Louis quickly tries to sit up straight in his bed and smile at them.  
First comes the questions. Louis hates this part with a passion but he has become used to lying and the questions are pretty much the same everyday anyways.  
"How did you sleep?"  
"How are you feeling now?"  
"Did you drink?"  
"Have you got an appetite?"  
The latter is usually answered with  
"Yes I'm so hungry".  
Even though he was sick in the bathroom only two minutes prior to them coming into his room. If I seem as if I am well and healthy they might let me go home to see mum and my sisters.  
"Great, now we just need to take another blood sample and then you can have breakfast in peace." Louis is torn from his thoughts by the doctors voice followed by the prick of a needle in his arm. Louis watches how his blood slowly trickle into the container.  
When he first moved in at the Royal London Hospital he would be startled every time he had to get his blood drawn, it has just become a part of his every day life now after three months of being at the hospital. The Doctor carefully extracts the needle from Louis' arm, wraps it in some paper and hands it to the nurse next to him.  
"If you need anything you already know what to do right? Just press the button and we will be there in no time."  
The doctor smiles at him and lightly touches his leg at the foot of his bed. He turns around one more time to softly nod at Louis as they reach the door and then he and the two nurses close the door behind them.

As soon as the door is shut Louis virtually collapses a little bit as he feels as if a weight is taken off of him. His shoulders become limp and he has to rest his back against the headboard of his bed. He takes a deep breath. The cold air inducing a burning sensation in his lungs.  
For the first time today he reaches over for his phone, which is on his nightstand. Right next to the tray of breakfast food which he had been choosing to ignore for the past two days. He has found ways to avoid food. He just does not feel like eating at the moment. It makes him sick and it seems the nurses have not noticed yet.  
His phone unlocks as he types in his passcode. The brightness of the screen hurts Louis eyes so he has to lower it significantly.  
The first thing that pops up on his Twitter feed are the words 'Harry Styles' and 'Royal London Hospital'. Harry Styles is a famous singer from London but thats about it with Louis' knowledge about him. After ten minutes of reading through a few articles Louis eyes get tired and the phone in his hands starts to feel heavy.  
He carefully places his phone back on the nightstand, next to the untouched plate of breakfast food. His throbbing headache has come back by now which makes Louis decide to take some painkillers.  
He opens the second drawer of his nightstand and reaches to grab the bottle with the little pills in it from the very back. The familiar sounds of the pills clicking against the plastic container already makes him feel slightly better. He puts two of them onto his tongue and washes them down with some water from his bedside table. He carefully lays his head back down onto the pillow on which he only woke up around two hours earlier.  
"It is a side effect of the chemotherapy and all the medicine I have to take every day" He persuades himself. As soon as he closes his eyes he drifts away into an uneasy sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Louis is roughly awakened from his nap by a nurse coming into his room. He quickly glances over to his alarm on the bedside table. 2:28pm. He notices another, new plate of food next to his still uneaten breakfast and lets out a barely audible sigh of self-disappointment. He hasn't eaten at all in two days and the doctors probably noticed even though he tries to smile his pain away when he is in their presence.

The tag on the familiar white coat the nurse is wearing spells "Ellen Hardy". She is bringing Louis' last dose of the intravenous chemo medication with her. Ellen doesn't say anything as she hooks it onto the infusion stand next to his bed.

Louis knows. He knows that the chemotherapy has not struck yet. He has been on medication for four days now. This is the fifth day and his body has not shown any reaction so far.

She tries to smile at him but Louis can tell that she knows as well. She is just not allowed to tell him because she is only a nurse. He watches her leave the room and even her dark blonde ponytail is limp and sad without a lot of movement as she leaves the room and Louis to himself.

For the first time today, the sun shines into Louis' room. He tries to ignore his throbbing headache and slowly sits up in his bed. He pushes half of the white duvet off of him and lets the sun shine onto his bare legs. Careful, to not accidentally pull the IV out of the back of his hand, he slides off the bed. He stood up a bit too promptly resulting in everything going black. After slowly regaining his vision he makes his way over to the window, always pushing his infusion stand along with him.

And there he stands in his hospital gown, barefoot on the green PVC flooring with his right hand holding onto the infusion stand and the other one propped up on the windowsill. His eyes focusing on the busy streets of London. The puddles from the heavy rain this morning glisten as they are drenched in sunshine.

He winces as he is suddenly torn out of his thoughts by someone softly clearing their throat. Louis carefully turns around trying not to blackout from too much movement. Louis looks startled at the moment his opponent addresses him:

"Oops sorry I made you jump mate, may I come in?"

"Hi, yeah, yeah, come in."

Harry indicates his security to stay outside and then gently closes the door behind him . Louis who is in his hospital gown and holding onto the infusion stand is still standing on the opposite side of the room as he watches Harry approach him.

"Hi I'm Harry."

"I'm Louis."

"Do you want to sit down? You look a bit pale." Harry smiles softly

"Um, I don't know, yeah maybe."

"Okay then where do you want to sit?" Harry turns to now face Louis completely. He points at the table with two chairs and then towards Louis' bed.

Louis slowly walks over to his bed, always pushing the infusion stand along with him. Harry is torn out of his rigidity as he notices Louis struggling a little. He quickly walks over to help him sit down onto his bed and cautiously pushes the stand on which Louis' medication is hooked onto, close to the bedside table.

Harry then walks over to the other side of the room to pick up a wooden chair from the small seating area in the corner and carries it across the room only to set it down right next to Louis' bed.

"So what are you here for? It's not for the free food I see? He jokingly asks Louis as he nods his head towards the two plates full of untouched Breakfast and Lunch.

"Yeah, no. I got diagnosed with Leukaemia about three or four months ago."

"I'm sorry mate." Harry looks at him with genuine sympathy and Louis properly perceives Harry's emerald green eyes for the first time.

"That's okay. To throw the question back: What are you doing in my room?"

"Uhh well, I work with this foundation called 'Make a wish' which allows me to visit fans who are ill and at the hospital. Today I went and surprised a few girls here at the Royal London Hospital.

To me it just felt wrong to go through this list of children whose parents payed me to visit them. It doesn't feel right. I want everyone to be visited. Nobody should ever be lonely unless they choose to. Do you know what I mean? Like why should other people be secluded just because they didn't pay anyone to visit them. People shouldn't have to get paid to visit someone who is ill. Surprising and making people happy should be something you enjoy doing and not something to do in exchange for money.

So I asked the receptionist if there was anyone who had not been visited in a long time. They've told me your name." Harry looks down in pain. He has to swallow a few times in order to get rid of the lump forming in his throat. "I just don't want anyone to feel lonely or left out." 

Harry only notices now how miserable his opponent looks. Louis' shoulders and arms are limply hanging off of the rest of his pale body. The depth of the ocean blue eyes is gone, he is staring into the empty with now hoary, matte eyes. The sun had started to set a while ago and is not flooding the room with golden light anymore.

Louis looks like he is regaining a bit of vividness. His gaze wanders off to the infusion pouch with his chemo medication in it and he notices that the latter is almost gone completely. Which means that it is probably the last chance for Louis' body to react to the chemotherapy.

Louis looks down at his pale, scrawny hands. The little cap on his middle finger makes sure to measure his heart rate so it can be seen on the monitor. The back of his left hand is bruised due to the nurse not being able to find the right spot to place the IV within the first two tries.

Harry and Louis both don't say anything in the following minutes. The only thing that can be heard is their breathing, the monitors bleeping and occasionally some beds being pushed past Louis' room.

The silence is broken by doctor James and nurse Niall. The sound of them opening the door is almost deafening after the quiescence that prevailed between Louis and Harry.

"How are we, lads?"

"Oh dear, Louis are you alright?" Doctor James looks startled as he notices the horrible condition Louis seems to be in.

"I don't think he feels very well." A deep line of concern is forming on his forehead as he is speaking.

"Sorry Mister...?"

"Styles." Harry quickly completes the doctors sentence.

"Mister Styles, I think it would be best for you to leave right now. I'm sorry."

"Yes doctor, I completely understand. Make him feel better soon, please. Stay strong Louis and take care, goodbye." Harry gets out of his chair and quietly carries it to the corner where he took it from in the first place. Louis has to swallow when he hears the door close quietly behind Harry.

Doctor James turns to his patient as he makes an apology:

"Louis, I'm sorry for having to make your visitor leave. It just seems like you are not in a very good condition right now. I see you haven't eaten your last two meals. Now listen to me this is really important Louis. Seriously, you need to eat. Your body has to be as stable as possible if you want the chemotherapy to strike. Do you understand?"

The consultant only waits for the slightest response which is Louis nodding his head a tiny bit. Then he continues:

"Due to you not eating, your chemo did not strike. We wasted five very valuable days Louis. You need to realise that this is your life which you're playing with. We have to give your body a break from the chemicals now. This break is going to be about ten days long. Then you will get the chemo medication again. Hopefully with success that time."

Niall who has only been standing next to consultant Dr. James tunes in now:

"Sorry to interfere but I think you got your point across now, Doctor. All three of us know that you only want Louis to get well again. I think we need to grant him a break now though."

"Thank you." Louis croaks.

Dr. James shows insight and nods barely noticeable. "Louis, I will see you tomorrow morning during doctor's visit. Have a good night and please rest."

Niall shares a look of compassion with Louis and then turns around to catch up with Dr. James, closing the door and leaving Louis to himself.

His body is aching. Why does it have to be me? Why was I diagnosed with Leukaemia? Why did Harry care so much about me? Why did he leave me then? Will I ever get to see him again?

His gaze wanders out of the window where the moon has taken the sun's place. A sudden fatigue creeps in and he closes his eyes. A few minutes later there is only the sound of the bleeping machines left in the room.


	3. Chapter 3

Louis is awoken by dull pain in his intestines. They feel as if they're twisted and being shifted around. He gingerly lifts his eyelids and is nearly blinded by the cold and bright hospital lighting coming from the neon tubes on the ceiling. Louis tries to remember last night. His memory is only slowly coming back. Trying so hard to think makes his head throb. His heart drops as he only now remembers an important detail.

"Harry Styles! Harry Styles came to visit me." He croaks in his dry morning voice.

He slowly reaches over for the glass of water on his bedside table. The cold glass feels very heavy in Louis' scrawny hands and it threatens to fall. His lips shakily attach to the glas rim. Cold water flows down the inside of his throat and eases the painful dryness of it.

Harry had left in somewhat of a rush after Dr. James told him to leave.

He told him to leave because of me. I won't ever get to see him again. Why did my body have to show weakness.

Louis slowly props himself up on his elbows. The clock on the wall across from his bed shows the time. It is 7.47 which means there are only 13 more minutes until doctors visit.

x

Louis gaze wanders down to his left hand. It is bruised from all the IV's that were put in it the past months. He carefully traces the dark blue spots with his right pointer finger.

Today was the first time in about a week that Louis had actually eaten his meals. Louis felt so ill that he did not want to eat at all but after what Dr. James told him the night before he knew he had no other choice. So he choked down the dry croissant he got for breakfast and the Lasagna which was for Lunch today.

Louis slowly runs his hand through his hair and only notices now how long it had gotten. Of course it grows if you don't cut it in months but it still felt unfamiliar to him. Pushing the duvet back goosebumps cover his naked legs. He lets them slide off the bed. Louis is now sitting upright at the edge of the hospital bed with his feet dangling an inch above the floor. From this position he can still comfortably sit but he also gets a decent view out of the window.

The clouds outside his window move fast. It is a windy October day in London. A few brave sunrays peek through the grey clouds occasionally. Today is Louis' first day out of ten. Ten days without chemo medication to give his body a break.

Louis misses his family. His heart feels empty and limp. Louis is someone who definitely needs time to himself but right now he is just longing for company. Being alone for such long periods of time is pleasing for no one. The quiescence almost starts to feels suffocating.

Louis is torn from his thoughts by a very subtle knock on the door. He quickly lifts his legs into bed and pulls the duvet back up to his shoulders. Regretting that instantly because he then ended up becoming a little dizzy from moving too hastily.

Louis heart starts pounding against the inside of his chest the second his eyes perceive Harry entering the room. His heart is beating so loud that Louis is sure Harry can hear it even though he is stood at the opposite side of the room.

"Hi!" Harry exclaims and smiles brightly. Both of his cheeks form little dimples and his emerald green eyes glisten as he doesn't break eye contact with Louis while closing the door behind him.

"Hello." Louis answers quietly and feels his cheeks heating up. He tries to pull a little smile but he doesn't dare to go all the way.

I won't look as pretty as him when I smile anyway. I don't even have a perfect smile or cute little dimples.

Only now noticing how he is still stood at the other end of the room Harry shakes off his rigidity and walks towards Louis' little table with the two wooden chairs. His smile faded to be a little bit more subtle now but it is definitely still present. He carefully picks up the chair and places it next to the head of Louis' bed.

"How has your day been?" Harry's eyes still sparkle as he starts off the conversation.

"Yeah, it's been alright, it's been alright. I didn't do much apart from sleeping. I just feel sore, Harry."

"That's okay, don't worry. Just hold on through the chemo break. Once they put you on medication again I'm sure you will be alright. Did you eat at all today, Louis?" Harry looks at his opponent in sympathy as he carefully words the last question to not make him feel uncomfortable.

Louis nods softly and breaks the intense eye contact. Looking towards the window he replies: "Yeah, I actually ate both my breakfast and Lunch."

"Good Louis, that's great! You're doing amazing okay?" Harry tries to catch Louis' eyes again. The second their eyes meet, warmth starts to flow through Louis' body and his muscles slowly loosen after being tense for a long time. This is the first time in a few months he has actually felt comfortable around anyone. Funnily enough that this someone is a complete stranger let alone Harry Styles, a very famous singer.

For a long time Louis doesn't even note Harry talking because of being too lost in the stunning green eyes opposite him. Harry's voice is really deep and soothing as he slowly tells Louis that he will be alright over and over again.

The sun had started to set and the two are brought back into the real world by a knock on the door. Harry shares a glance with Louis and then quickly gets up to open the door.

"I'm here to bring Mr. Tomlinson his dinner." She scans the room for Louis and her facial muscles relax as she spots him.

"Sure come in love." Harry smiles at her cordially.

"Thank you very much, Ellen." Louis smiles at the familiar nurse as she places the dish with his dinner on it on his bedside table.

"Enjoy your meal." She adds and before she closes the door Ellen has another look at Louis and swiftly waves him goodbye.

"Looks nice." Harry smirks as he looks at the plate and then at Louis.

"I better leave now right?" He quickly adds as soon as he notices how Louis is not starting to eat.

"No, no! Please stay, Harry!" Louis requests.

"No that's okay, I'll let you have your dinner in peace, Louis."

"Harry, please. I don't want to be alone anymore. Please stay and have dinner with me." He is almost begging Harry at this point.

"Fine, if you insist." Harry smirks at Louis but stands up anyway. "I'm sneaking down to the cafeteria to get myself something to eat with you. I'll be back soon."

It only takes a few minutes until a very smiley Harry sticks his head through the door. "Hi! I they had some leftover Lasagna from todays lunch for me."

"I've never seen anyone be this happy because of some expired Lasagna before." Louis teases.

"Hey, that was rude! Plus it's not even expired, it's only from a few hours ago." Harry sits down and pouts. After Louis doesn't say anything to apologize Harry decides to give in and then starts eating. "You're annoying, Louis."

Louis chuckles and glances over to Harry, who is now stuffing his mouth with Lasagna.

Their eyes meet and Harry stops munching for a second. "What? I haven't eaten much all day."

Louis can only smile at him and then he takes a bite of his bread with butter and ham on it.

They're munching quietly for a little while. Harry makes Louis feel comfortable. He forgot all his pain and everything else regarding his chemotherapy and his illness in general. Harry calms Louis. They smile at each other as they're finishing their last bites.

"Can we take a picture together, Harry? I want a picture of us for when I'm alone again."

"Of course, Louis." Harry leans over and hands Louis his phone so he can snap a quick selfie of them both. Louis hands his phone over to Harry and has him approve the picture. Louis pulled a funny face in it like he always does when he takes selfies with anyone and Harry is just being the smiley person he is.

x

The sun is completely down now and the moon and the stars are out. The small hospital room is filled with silence. Only Louis heavy and even breathing can be heared. He had fallen asleep over an hour ago. Harry is still sat next to the bed in the same spot. He wanted to make sure that Louis would feel safe and anything but lonely or left alone so he decided to stay and wait until Louis fell asleep.

Harry's eyes wander off of Louis and towards the clock on the wall. 11:23 at night. His lips unconsciously form into a yawn. Harry's eyes are already sleepy and almost shut. He stretches his arms and they let out a quiet crack.

Harry slowly gets out of his chair and silently carries it back to where he took it from. The moment he wants to turn to the door and leave he stops and turns back around.

I can't just leave Louis like this, can I?

He carefully tucks the smaller boy into his duvet and makes sure that Louis is not going to be cold. Harry's hand brushes against Louis left arm as he turns around to leave. "Good night, Lou. Sleep well and stay strong."

On his way to the door, Harry leaves a little note on the table. He then turns around to smile at the sleeping Louis one last time and closes the door behind him.


	4. Chapter 4

Authors note:

In this chapter I want to try something different. I am going to suggest you songs to listen to while reading this chapter. We're going to start with the song "You are a Memory" by Message To Bears while reading the beginning of this chapter.

I hope you enjoy the experience.

x

The hospital room is dark and cold. Only a small amount of light from the street lamps shines through the window and onto the PVC flooring that looks rather grey than green in the faint lightning.

Louis opens his eyes. It's quarter past three at night. His head snaps to the left. But his hope is quickly drowned in disappointment. Harry left. Was he really expecting an international pop star to stay and waste his time with him, an irrelevant cancer patient? Yes he was. he admits.

What would he visit me for apart from publicity anyway? I'm not even fun to be around. I'm just ill and boring. I'm not even a girl who he could be interested in.

Louis gets out of his bed. His head throbbing and his vision turning black for a few seconds due to moving too hastily. Still half asleep, he makes his way into the bathroom. Only guided by the small amount of light shining through the window.

The coldness from the tiled flooring permeates his feet. Soon sending shivers through his tired body. The quiet noise Louis' naked feet create on the bathroom tiles stops as he reaches the sink.

Water starts running as he turns the handle to let out just bearable cold water. His hands form a bowl beneath the stream of ice cold water. The tips of his fingers turn numb almost instantly. Louis holds his breath and splashes his face with the just collected water.

He slowly opens his eyes and rests his hands on the edge of the sink. Face to face with his own reflection. Suffocating coldness surrounding him. The cold drops follow the path of gravitation. Starting their lifelong journey on his forehead and making their way down the bridge of his nose until they fall onto the cold porcelain and shatter into a million pieces.

The irony of life. By the time you've lived long enough to understand the preciousness of it - it's often too late.

Still holding eye contact with his own ocean blue eyes, Louis reaches over until his hands feel the familiar material of his towel. He absorbs the darkness and quiescence around him as he presses it to his face.

He finds it pleasant to stop himself from breathing by burying his face in the towel until he can't stand the suffocating pain in his lungs any longer. He gasps desperately for air feeling dizzy. He has to rest his back against the tiled wall behind him in order to remain conscious.

x

Time went by. Seconds? Minutes? Hours? Louis eyes are still closed. Keeping the world at distance. If he opened them, he'd be thrown into reality in the matter of a split second.

He does it anyway. His eyes moving rapidly as they're trying to focus. Louis laboriously heaves his limbs up. His wobbly knees barely support his stance after he finally managed to get his aching body to rise.

Louis slowly makes his way back into his room putting one foot in front of the other. His bare soles touching the cold floor.

His glance wanders to the alarm on his bedside table. 3:46. He was in there for half an hour only. It felt like an eternity.

Louis is stood in the middle of the room. His hospital room. The room he spent 4 of the worst months of his life in. The room he is going to be spending an unknown number of future days, months or even years in. The room which will always feel empty and endlessly hollow.

His heart stops for a second and then it starts racing. Faster than it has ever beaten before. None of the muscles in his body dare to move. They are as tense as they've never been.

Louis eyes perceive the corner of a white note peeking out underneath the vase on the little table in the corner of his room, the room which felt so empty just moments prior to Louis' discovery.

Shaking off his rigidity he leads his body over to the wooden table. A thousand thoughts crossing his mind.

Is this even a note or just a piece of paper? Who is it from? Is it directed at me? How long has it been there? How have I not noticed it earlier?

Louis is torn out of his wild thoughts as he already feels the flimsy paper between his fingers. He had picked the note up without noticing.

Seconds stretch to eternity. Time stands still. His scrawny, little hands turn the note around to reveal it's message. His eyes rapidly move from one letter to another.

"Hi Louis, you fell asleep so I went home. If you need anything, don't hesitate to call me."

Louis eyes scan the two sentences followed by a series of numbers over and over again. He closes his fist around the paper resulting in it creating a crumpling noise.

For the first time since he noticed the note, his gaze wanders off of it and out of the window.

I bet Harry is asleep right now. I need to hear his voice. I don't want to seem needy though. He only left my room a few hours ago. This room feels so empty without him.

After a few quiet minutes for outsiders and minutes of a thousand deafening voices in Louis' head, he decides to call Harry. He is longing for company. Longing for his company.

How is it even possible to be so dependent on someone when you've only known them for barely any time? What is it that makes Louis feel so drawn to Harry?

Louis starts typing in the long series of numbers with cold and shaky fingertips. His palms feel sweaty as he hesitates to press the green button. With a hissing noise, he draws in as much oxygen as his lungs can possibly hold. Holding his breath for a few seconds, Louis tries to calm himself.

He slowly lets the withheld air flow out of his lungs again. Without thinking anymore he presses the green button and the phone starts ringing. His stomach turns at the thought of him disturbing Harry in his sleep.

His heart is pounding to his throat as he awaits the next ring. His heart stops shortly after the second ring. Shuffling can be heard at the other end of the line.

"Hello? Who is this?"

"This is L-" Louis doesn't even get to finish his sentence.

"Louis? Are you okay? What's wrong?" Harry croaks in concern.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm sorry for waking you up." Louis instantly regrets his decision of calling Harry and waking him up from his precious sleep.

"Louis, don't worry. I wouldn't have left my number if I didn't want you to call me." Harry's tired voice tries to reassure Louis.

"Actually. Do you know what, Harry? I'm not fine. Not at all since you left. In fact I don't think I've been worse in a long time."

"Louis-"

"Harry, I'm-"

"Louis listen to me! Give me 20 minutes and I'll be at the hospital."

x

Harry quickly hangs up the phone and places it on his nightstand. His fingers run along the wall, scanning it for the light switch. He has to cover his eyes with the other hand as his fingers find and press it. His bedroom is now lit up by the big overhead lights, making it easier to find a pair of black jeans and a jumper. He strips it over his head and runs his hand through the curly mess that had formed on his head the past few hours he had been asleep for.

It is a clear but cold October night in London. Even little clouds of steam form from Harry's warm breath. The streets are deserted and only illuminated by scattered street lamps. Harry pulls his jacket tighter around him and accelerates his pace. The Royal London Hospital is not far from his apartment, thankfully. God knows what Louis is missing.

Cold shivers are sent down Harry's spine at the thought of something being wrong with Louis.

He is walking faster and faster, the closer he gets to his destination. Louis. He enters the building and is almost running up the stairs at this point, trying to not trip over his own feet. But also being as quiet as possible so he doesn't attract any unwanted attention.

Room 289. Harry is panting heavily as he reaches the door too Louis' room. He supports himself with his hands on his knees to catch his breath. His hand wraps around the cold metal door handle and pushes it down. Harry's heart is beating to his throat and time seems to stand still. The door opens slowly and with a quiet squeak to reveal the dark hospital room.

x

I recommend you to listen to the song "Bloom - Bonus Track" by The paper Kites while reading the following. :)

x

Harry visibly relaxes the moment he perceives Louis sitting on his bed after his eyes had adjusted to the darkness.

"Hi." Louis joyfully exclaims but still manages to keep his voice quiet.

The door closes quietly behind Harry. Isolating the two from the rest of the world.

"Are you alright, Louis?" Harry asks, still a little bit concerned.

Louis softly moves his head up and down. His eyes are gleaming as they meet Harry's. He is in awe at the pure beauty his eyes perceive. The Moon dances over his flawless skin making his facial features seem even more delicate.

"Wanna go on an adventure?" Harry is the first to break the silence.

Louis eyes light up in excitement "I'd love to! I haven't left this room in weeks."

"We got to make it sneaky though, promise?"

"Promise." Louis smiles at Harry gratefully. He then slowly skitters towards the edge of his bed and lastly shifts his weight to his feet and stands up. This time without blacking out, thankfully.

Harry watches Louis actions carefully. Ready to catch his fragile body if he'd fall. He doesn't.

Louis smile has not faded as he reaches Harry. "Hi!"

"Come on now, dork. It's four am, the sun is going to be up again in no time." Harry teases as he tries to hold back a very obvious yawn. Failing miserably but smiling at Louis afterwards.

"Sorry for keeping you from sleeping." Louis adds barely audible before scurrying after Harry and through the door onto the quiet hallway.

The stinging smell of disinfectant in the whole hospital usually really bothers Louis but right now nothing can take away his happiness. The happiness that Harry brings him.

They make their way through the long corridors on soft soles. Harry occasionally turns around to check on Louis. His curls following every movement.

Louis weak limbs seem to carry him so effortlessly now that he is with Harry. Happiness comes in waves. Harry is Louis' tsunami.

Harry stops as they reach an emergency exit. The door leads out to the hospital garden. He waits for Louis eyes to meet his and then pushes the heavy door open.

The moon shines through a treetop and it's dewy light falls onto small, isolated daisies in the wet gras. It's cold and only the smallest gust of wind causes Louis to shiver.

"Do you want my jacket?" Harry offers as he notices.

Louis nods slightly ashamed for not thinking of how cold it is on an October night. Harry drapes his jacket over Louis' slim shoulders, making him drown in it.

Louis' heart beats faster as the heat from Harry's body, which got trapped in his jacket, starts to surround him. He lets out barely audible, soft giggles. Harry lets go of the jacket and steps back a little bit, not breaking the eye contact.

"You're very small." Harry teases.

"Hey, give me a break. I'm big." Louis frowns.

"Sure. Come on, let's find somewhere to sit down." A big smile forms on Harry's face.

They wander around the Royal London Hospital garden for a little while until Louis spots a little wooden bench between some bushes. They walk over to it and Harry makes sure that it's dry before they settle.

They sit in silence for a few moments.

"My chemo therapy starts tomorrow. Harry, I'm scared. Like I said on the phone earlier, I haven't been worse in a long time."

Harry frowns in confusion.

"No, no! I meant, before you came to see me, Harry. I'm happy now that I'm with you. Earlier, when I was alone, I wasn't. I stood in my bathroom and suffocated myself with my towel until the last moment, until the pain got so excruciating that I couldn't take it any longer."

Harry's mouth is opened just a little bit. Searching for the right words.

"I know you feel hopeless and I know that asking you to be hopeful would be too much. What I can ask you though is to let me carry your hope for you.

I just want you to know that you don't have to be alone. You don't have to go through this on your own.

You're going to fight during this period of chemo-therapy and I know that it will strike this time. You're strong Louis. Strength is when you have so much to cry for but you choose to smile instead."

"But that's because your smile makes me smile." Louis intervenes.

"Oh I see, we're still lighthearted enough to mock our opponent?" Harry has also found his smile again.

They sit for a few more moments counting the stars until the silence is broken again, this time by Louis.

"It's probably best if I go back to my room now so I can get at least two hours of sleep until doctors visit tomorrow. And you get your jacket back, you must be freezing." He turns his head to face Harry, waiting for a response.

That response seems to be a yawn and an approving nod. Louis smiles to himself as he gets up and stretches with a quiet crack. It felt so good to be out in the fresh air again. The moon still watches over them as they enter the building and the heavy door closes silently.

Louis takes off Harry's jacket and instantly feels the coldness surround him again. He tries to not let it show. Harry picks up on it anyway.

"I'm sorry."

Louis hands Harry the jacket and their fingers brush against each other so lightly that Louis doesn't even know if they actually did or if it was just his mind messing with him.

"Good night, Lou." Harry's tired eyes glisten as he is speaking. He then turns around and disappears into the corridor leading to the main entrance. Leaving Louis all by himself in the deserted hallway.

x

Authors note:

Wow, that was my fourth chapter. I'm really content with how it turned out. :) I'm also very excited for the next one and you should be too!

Don't forget to leave comments and vote on all my chapters if you like them!

Lot's of love Xx


	5. Chapter 5

It is 7:30 in the morning when Harry is rudely awakened by the ringing of his alarm clock on the bedside table. A warm ray of October morning sunshine shines onto his sleep crumpled face and is tickling his nose, provoking a sneeze.

Harry only got two hours of sleep the past night. His mouth lets out a quiet yawn.

His gaze wanders off to his phone. Harry's heart jumps a little as he notices that Louis had sent him a text. He picks up his phone and types in the passcode to unlock it.

"Good Morning Harry, I hope you slept well. Sorry for keeping you awake last night. x"

A subtle smile starts to grow on his face as he is reading the message over and over again. What is the kiss at the end supposed to mean? 

Harry absently shakes his head as he's skittering towards the edge of the bed. Massaging his temples, he tries to think of what day it is. 

Monday. It's a Monday.

His blood runs cold the moment he remembers. It's Louis' first day of the second leg of his Chemotherapy. 

He reaches over to his phone again, picking it up. Harry hesitates before pressing the green button which will connect him with Louis. His heart starts beating even faster as a muffled voice quickly picks up the phone after the first ring. 

"Yeah?"

"Hi Louis, this is Harry." He can't help but crack a shy little smile. Harry is glad that Louis can't see him through the phone. That would have been more than embarrassing.

"I know." Louis responds with a sassy tone to his voice. Harry imagines him sitting on the hospital bed all sleepy.

"Um, so I was wondering if you would want me to visit you one last time before you're on medication again." Harry breaks the silence.

"I would love that! What time are you going to be around?" The excitement in Louis' voice can barely be overheard. 

"I was planning on leaving in half an hour. Only if that's okay with you, obviously." Harry's voice seems to have calmed down now.

"Sure, I'm looking forward to seeing you." Louis' words give him that feeling deep down in the pit of his stomach. Harry quickly tries to shake it off by taking a deep breath.

"Alright. I'm going to get ready then. See you in a bit." He hangs up the phone and gets out of bed. 

Harry has to hurry up now. If he doesn't want to be seen by tons of paps and fans he has got to be quick. It's only quarter to eight so he might get away with some sunglasses today.

He slides the mirrored door of his wardrobe to the right, revealing all of his clothes. Every single item is folded neatly and stacked on top of another. The scent of detergent and clean cotton surrounding him. 

He picks out a pair of black skinny jeans with some holes in the knee area and a burgundy jumper with a hood. 

He makes his way into the bathroom and the coldness of the black marble tiles permeate his naked feet. Harry grabs his toothbrush and the minty toothpaste from the cabinet above the sink.

x

Even though the sun is out this morning, the icy wind is announcing a cold winter. Harry has to pull his hood further down to cover more of his face. He is accelerating his pace so he can get to the hospital as fast as possible.

A little blue flower catches his attention and results in him slowing down. The small flower which he believes to be a violet is growing right next to the pavement. All by its self. No other flowers around.

Harry glances to his sides quickly to check whether there is anyone close by. He kneels down and carefully plucks the delicate flower. Trying not to damage it in any way he places it in the front pocket of his jumper. 

He picks up his speed again. The silhouette of the Royal London Hospital is slowly appearing in the distance. A thin wall of fog being the only thing separating Harry from Louis right now.

x

Harry's strides are so wide, he easily takes two steps at once. He keeps his glance on his feet because looking people in the eye if you're Harry Styles is taking a risk of being recognised.

He is torn from his thoughts the moment someone touches his shoulder from behind. He notices that he is already stood at the door of Louis room. Room 289. 

Harry turns around to see who is behind him. His eyes perceive a blonde shock of hair and a wide grin.

"Hi, I'm sorry mate but the doctors are still with Louis to talk to him about the treatment. You can visit him once they are done." Harry can definitely make out a bit of an accent in the lad's voice. 

His gaze wanders down to the nameplate attached to the white coat. It spells: Niall Horan.

"Alright, thank you. Mr. Horan?" He answers questioningly, not being sure whether he pronounced the name properly.

"No worries, Mr.? Niall asks back.

"Styles." A friendly grin is now forming on Harry's face as he reaches out to shake Niall's hand. Both agreeing on using the informal 'you' when talking to each other.

"Louis is actually quite a good pal of mine. I'm the nurse who was assigned to him from the very beginning. May I ask how you and Louis know each other? I mean I'm just going to pretend I wasn't going to ask Louis about you once you leave anyway." Niall chuckles.

"Well I was visiting a friend of mine" Harry lies "And then I accidentally went into the wrong room which ended up being Louis'" the colour of his cheeks turns into a flush pink.

"I see. Well the doctors visit should be over any second now and I'm just going to leave you two alone." he smiles at Harry and turns around. Harry could swear Niall cheekily winked at him right before turning him his back.

He doesn't get much time to think about whether Niall actually winked at him or not because the door to Louis' room flies open seconds after. Four doctors exit the room. They don't seem too concerned which makes Harry's tense muscles relax in a way of relief. 

He is stood next to the door and he suddenly feels small and irrelevant as they rush past him. Busy with all the work they have got to do. He tries to shake that uncomfortable feeling off.

Carefully taking a step forward and towards the door he grabs the cold metal handle and pushes it down. It feels like seconds are stretched to eternity. The gap between the doorframe and the actual door is growing bigger until Harry's eyes perceive Louis sitting on his bed. 

Just like the very first time they met. He looks so tired and vulnerable. Except for his eyes. They glisten of joy as Louis lifts his gaze to meet Harry's. Emerald and Azur, so strong they almost seem to melt together.

Harry doesn't take his eyes off Louis' but quietly closes the door behind him and rests his back against it to support his stance. "Hi." He utters, barely audible. He slightly clears his throat before pushing his hand in the front pocket of his jumper. 

His fingertips brush against one of the slightly cold petals of the little flower he plucked earlier this morning. Some of the dew is still on it in the shape of tiny delicate water droplets.

Harry takes the flimsy stem between his fingers and slowly pulls the fragile purple flower out of his pocket.

"I brought you something I found on the way here." A shy little smile escapes him.

Louis' eyes light up in astonishment and his lips part the tiniest bit.

"Thank you so much. I'm so glad you came to see me today." He smiles back.

Harry makes his way over to the small table in the corner of the room. Feeling Louis' eyes on him. Carefully observing every step he takes. "Hey, stop watching me." He mocks without facing Louis. 

Harry gently sticks the violet into the vase with a bunch of flowers already in it. A smirk forms on his face as he can hear Louis apologise really quietly with a sound of guilt in his voice.

"Harry?" Louis' crystal clear voice saying his name makes Harry wince. He slowly turns around to face the hospital bed again.

"What is it?" Harry gives him a soft smile.

"Today is the last day before I'm put on medication again. My Chemotherapy starts tonight. I'm scared."

Harry straightens up and slowly walks over to Louis. Settling at the edge of the hospital bed which lets out a quiet squeak at the weight of Harry.

"Let everything happen to you. Beauty and Terror. Just keep going, Louis. No feeling is final. Keep that in mind, ok?" Harry tries to reassure him with a gentle tone to his voice.

"I met your friend Niall earlier by the way. He was kind of nosy not going to lie. Instantly asked me who I was and what I was doing in front of your room." Harry chuckles.

"Oh yeah, Niall is lovely actually. He knows I like boys tho. So whenever he sees any guy near me he gets curious. Don't worry about him." Louis answers lightheartedly.

Harry's blood runs cold and he can feel how it stopped flowing in his veins. What did Louis just say?

"What?" Is the only thing he manages to push through his pale lips.

"I'm gay, Harry." He says pretty bluntly. Louis had been out of the closet for a few years so he doesn't really tries to hide the fact that he is rather drawn towards men. He tilts his head a little but it's barely noticeable. Still waiting for a reaction from Harry.

"Right, sorry I, I just wasn't expecting that." Harry clears his throat a little bit to bring himself back to reality.

"Oh I'm sorry if that shocked you a little. I just don't usually make a secret out of my sexuality. I thought I'd tell you if I die tonight or something." Louis jokes but Harry still seems startled.

"Not funny at all Louis, don't say such things." He admonishes him.

"Sorry, spoilsport." Louis sticks out his tongue towards Harry which forces a little smile onto his lips.

"I was wondering if maybe we could go outside again and walk through the garden like last night." Louis adds questioningly.

Harry hesitates. He chews on his lower lip and absently stares at his hands.

"Come on, Harry! I won't be able to leave my room at all for the next week. I just want to get some fresh air. With you." Louis is almost begging him.

Harry looks up at Louis for the first time. The blue and the green of their eyes almost melting into each other.

"I'm sorry I can't Louis." Louis' hope is drowned in disappointment. His eyes turn into a bleak grey. He can make out a slight stinging sensation in his heart.

"What? Why?" Louis' voice sounds really high pitched and it cracks just before he finishes talking. He just doesn't understand. 

"I just can't. We're most definitely going to be seen." Harry responds. His voice being almost inaudible at the end of his sentence.

"You don't want to be seen around me? So are you embarrassed of me then?" Louis' voice almost overturns itself, that's how outraged he is.

"No, no, Louis. It's not like that-" He tries to explain but is interrupted by an incensed Louis.

"Well yesterday night, when it was dark outside I was good enough to hang out with and we were running through the garden where nothing bothered us. But now that it's daytime you don't want to be seen with a cancer patient anymore? Alright then. I get it." Words don't seem to stop flowing from his mouth.

"Louis! Stop! Don't make me seem like the bad guy! You have nothing close to an idea how it feels to constantly have cameras being shoved into your face. Listen, I just don't want any rumours to be spread about me. Understand or don't." 

Harry finally finds the words he's been trying to say.

"Harry I might die. I might only have a few days to live if the chemo doesn't strike. Today might be the last chance I could get to feel the sun on my skin, the wind in my hair and the slightly wet grass underneath my feet. Do you really think I care about some stupid rumours at this point of my life? I am currently looking my death straight in the eye." 

Louis' heart is beating to his throat as he is spitting out words towards Harry, he never thought he'd be saying.

Harry arises. He can't stand sitting face to face with Louis any longer. Tears fill his eyes. It burns painfully to hold them back. He is stood with his back facing Louis.

"Harry, this is not you. You shouldn't define yourself by what other people think of you. Go with your heart. Trust what you're feeling and not what you're thinking."

Harry starts walking towards the door. His legs feel limp and every cell in his body wants to run back to Louis right now. Tears are pooling up in the corners of his eyes and are daring to start running down his cheeks leaving hot trails on his skin.

"Louis. I just wish I could fix this. I wish I could turn the time back to how things were yesterday night. I can't. It's terrible." Harry mutters, still facing the door. Daring to leave. Leave Louis.

"Hate is not the first enemy of love, Harry. Fear is. It destroys the ability to trust. You are in fear. In fear of not being accepted by others. I understand that it is harder for you than it would be for someone who is not in the public eye, but it destroys you. Not being honest to yourself destroys you on the inside." 

Harry can feel himself breaking at these words. His heart scatters into a million pieces and there is nothing he can do about it. He takes another step towards the door. 

His is hand already on the handle as Louis' voice echoes through the room. The pain that Louis' voice elicits in him is excruciating.

"I hate getting close to people because they always leave and I always care more than they do." Silent tears are both streaming from Louis' and Harry's eyes trailing down their cheeks and leaving hot stains on them.

Harry absently pushes down the handle of the door. His muscles work in unison. He stays silent. But sometimes silence can hurt more than words.

The door falls into it's lock and isolates Louis and Harry from each other and the rest of the world. The silence on either sides is unbearably loud. 

Louis is staring into blank space. There are still tears streaming down his face. It almost feels as if the cold tears evaporate as soon as they hit the hot skin of his cheeks. 

It is as if the wind is knocked out of him. His body just collapses. His muscles don't move no matter how hard he tries. Every inch of his body is numb. Every single inch except for his heart. His heart feels as if it was ripped out of his chest.


End file.
